I'm afraid. Very afraid. I'm really very afraid.

I don't know where to go. I really don't.



Ly was right, I shouldn't give myself shit for not trying harder back in sec 3 and 4. But I don't know how not to, its the thing I think about day and night, questioning myself and blaming myself for this horrible ending. In the end, its still my fault.

I'll just be frank here. The only jc I should be able to qualify for without appealing is TPJC with its COP of 13, which is at least better than 5 JCs. Aha. I'm so pathetic. I can't even go to MJC. Nobody on this pathetic planet that I know personally has scored lower than me.




Loads of people have been telling me that poly is really much more suitable for me and I don't know why. Or rather, I don't want to accept this fact that 'studying is just not my thing'. I don't understand why my 'abilities' can't be in studies but I know that I would have done MUCH better if I had started 2 or 3 months before the O's like the rest.

Besides, I can say my art isn't really good because there are so many people out there much better than me. I have no confidence in poly, I have no confidence in getting into a university. I am also afraid I won't be able to click with the people there.


Nonetheless, I'll take it into serious consideration after straightening my thoughts out. I'm feeling rather low right now and while I was packing my room to feel distracted just now, I stumbled upon loads of old photos and stuff.





The only thing that came across my mind was, "wow, I'm really leaving AHS for good"

I'll miss everyone. Even though we can easily say "its okay! We can still keep in contact, I won't forget you!", it won't be too true for long. Yes, we'll remember and miss each other, we might meet each other occasionally, we might talk to each other on the phone once in a while.

But in the end, everything will come to naught. Almost, at least. Two years later, we'd be too busy to hang out in a whole group. In uni, we'd be too busy with our studsying and other friends, or even dating or work. Ten years down the road, we'd be working adults with families and other things to take care of. We won't be able to find the time for everyone.

By then, you'd be happy enough to have just 2 or 3 close friends you can have heart-to-heart talks with. That's very true though.


Right now, there are exactly 10 friends that hold very important places in my heart. How many would I be able to keep? After being in a different environment from everyone else, how many people would still treat me as a good or close friend? Would I be forgotten because I won't be seeing everyone much anymore?

Would we still be able to celebrate everybody's birthdays like that anymore? Would I be able to commit myself into so many friendships after I enter JC or poly? Truth is, I'll try but I won't be certain. That's applicable for everyone else, ain't it. I heard JC friends are the friends you'll really keep, but I really really really love you guys now.




Somebody wrote to me in a letter, "Don't feel bad if you don't remember me, we have different friends for different seasons, but you'll always be in my heart."

I hope that'll be the case. & seriously thankyou for those (you'll know who) who talked some sense into me while I was crying in school yesterday. and after school too ^_^




and I hope I'll find my direction soon. Please let me think carefully and select a jc or poly that'd use the best of my abilities or keep me happy.